I tell my clients that going back into situations that can be triggering is where the rubber meets the road. A moment to put into practice all that they’ve learned and processed about themselves and their patterns. I remind them that it’s not a moment to be perfect in that application but to be confident with grace and humility.
Managing Expectations
One thing I learned for myself is how important it is to manage my own expectations both towards my own ability to show up differently and how others should behave. This is a set up that rarely works out in the exact way we imagine it to be. We are bound to regress and fall back into dynamics and patterns. Being with this idea going in feels important – hence the grace and humility.
Instead of an expectation, how about setting and coming back to an intention for yourself that feels manageable and would feel good to meet. An intention could be “I will breathe my way through this experience and come back to my breath as a source of support when I need to” or “I intend to be as present with what is as I can.”
These intentions plant a seed and are often our wisdom coming through showing us where our work is. That in itself is a win.
Have a plan
Know your inner and outer resources and use them when it gets challenging. Take a walk, move your body, call a friend, attend a 12 step meeting, connect with whatever it is that brings you back to the present. Presence gives us the best chance to make a virtuous action towards ourselves or someone else. That virtuous action not only can interrupt negative habitual patterns but can create new more healthy patterns.
Ps. Boundary setting can be a virtuous action.
Let yourself feel
Give yourself the space to feel whatever comes from the experience. Whether it is the joy of warm memories or the grief of what’s lost or was never there or the frustration towards people, places or things. Find ways to feel it so that the energy can move and create more space for new things.
An invitation here- what might shift if you let yourself feel the tender heart of sadness towards what is: the limitations of the human experience and its subjects rather than focus on and fixate on the actions of a particular person?
Take Responsibility for your part
It’s easy to focus on the actions of others but it may be more fruitful to turn your attention to your own reactions and actions. Most dynamics are a co-creation even if one person is legitimately more “at fault” than the other. Ask yourself, “in what way am I contributing to this dynamic”? Self responsibility does NOT mean taking on responsibility for something that is not yours to take on. It means that you’re willing to acknowledge and own your part. The Pathwork talks about real and false needs with the former being about mutuality and the latter being more about unmet child needs we are still seeking or demanding from others. Being able to distinguish between the two and taking care of those child needs yourself is part of that self responsibility.
Stay Curious
Curiosity is a higher self quality. It is an aspect of an open heart and mind. Curiosity cultivates our observer self – the one who can notice with objectivity. Allow curiosity to permeate your experience. Notice actions and reactions, notice things maybe you’ve never let yourself see before, be curious about things and people rather than presume you already know. Be mindful of where you need to loosen the grip of your mind’s arrogance.
Lastly, remember we are body, emotion, mind, will and spirit. Taking care of each of these aspects of our being is key. Knowing how they interact functionally and dysfunctionally is also important. Know that we can live on different planes of consciousness at the same time. One part of us may be at a higher vibration which can see clearly what is playing out. And yet another part of us may feel like we are in the wild and we are ready and waiting with excitement for the fight. Pause and show grace to all these parts. Come back to your intention, trust in your basic goodness and that of others and do the next right thing.