Written by: Karyne B Wilner
Norm, who had lost his wife several years back, told the group that now that he lived alone, he did not know what to do with his anger. He felt it in his gut, but had no one person to direct it to, bicker with, attack, or criticize. He would have never thought that anger would be one of the things he missed the most.
If anger is not too severe, as in the case of Norm and his wife Nancy, it creates a kind of dance they do together. It’s viewed as a way to blow off steam, release tension, and even problem solve. However, research shows that couples who demean, attack below the belt, or display contempt and disrespect, as well as those who never express anger and live within walls of quiet resentment, have the highest divorce rates.
Anger is known as a secondary emotion because it usually occurs along with other feelings such as fear, grief, shame, and sadness. It encompasses an entire family of negative feelings — from irritation to rage — that are fed by neurotransmitters, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol and cause physiological arousal. Whereas some people are unconscious of their anger, others erupt as bursts of fire spill out of their mouths. Some express their anger through frantic and impulsive physical movements.
Angry people have minimal knowledge of the effect of their negativity on others. And it’s even worse for those who suppress anger. Although they say everything is okay and they are not offended by what occurred, others who see their facial expressions and hear the tone of their voices, experience this person as insincere. Not only do they betray themselves, but they come across as inauthentic. Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are three ways that anger can be used to build bridges rather than break them down.
First, people need to have a different view of the possibilities that anger offers. As long as they see anger as a means of dismissing or demeaning the other — pointing out failings and faults — relationships will fall apart or become hostile encampments. But two or more people can come together to create something better than they can separately and they can use anger, if it’s expressed rationally, as a building block. When each learns to listen to opposing opinions in a respectful manner, responding with empathy and understanding, they can build bridges, rather than knock them down. Simple statements, such as “I understand why you think that way,” or “you’re making a good point,” lead to respectful connections and intimacy. Anger doesn’t have to be filled with blame or adversarial. It can be used to celebrate differences between people, as they move from irritation and annoyance to compromise and acceptance.
Secondly, anger gives us an opportunity to recognize our own imperfections by seeing them in our partners. Looking at what the other does that triggers our anger is like attending a personal growth class. What you find most annoying is most likely something that irritates you about yourself. You don’t see it in yourself, because of a personal blind spot, but its glaringly obvious in your partner. Use your anger to discover what you need to change in yourself. If your partner provokes a strong emotional response, you are being called upon to identify and heal your own imperfections.
Finally, anger is a tool employed by people in relationships who suffer from a disease called, “fear of love.” These couples use blame and judgement as a wedge or barrier to stay separate from the other. If love represents an I/Thou relationship, intimacy, and a state of oneness, the fear of losing oneself and merging into the other may be too great for some people to bear. Anger is the perfect antidote, because even though it is disruptive and poisonous to relationships, it allows for separation. People who are fearful of love, use anger and blame, unrealistic dreams of soulmates and perfect partners, and expectations that the other will change, to remain in a loveless, but safe, state.
For relationships to blossom, we need to transcend our negativity, our fear of love, and our fear of imperfection, and see the beauty in our partners. We need to open our hearts and love and value the person who is at our side, accepting that person fully — both their challenging and their wonderful sides.
